Broken
by ShauneeXO
Summary: As the world I knew fell apart, the only thing I wanted was you but you're not mine anymore... actually you were never mine
1. The Come Down

The streets were cold and dirty as was the norm in the shadier part of town. Shoulders hunched and keeping my head low, I pulled the collar of my black trench coat higher as I continued on. A right, then two lefts and another right landed me in a grimy alleyway. A rat scurried across the trash covered ground and something bigger rustled about in the open dumpster. The sounds of the cars were muffled as were the sounds of a couple arguing in the apartment next door floors above. Three men leaned against the wall smoking.

A rat ran over my black TOMS and I jumped. "Scared, pretty boy?" one of the men taunted.

"Guys, can't you see he's uncomfortable? He's not used to being among us common folk," the tallest remarked in a thick Portuguese accent pulling the joint from his mouth and inspecting it. His friends cracked up and I rolled my eyes. I hated this part of town and I hated these men yet here I was at their mercy. I should have never come here. I didn't have to take this but they supplied some of the best fish scale in this town.

"Do you have it?" I questioned shifting my weight from one foot to the other, my hand on my katana, Mugen, hidden beneath my coat. A crash sounded in the distance and the Portuguese handed me a small clear envelope half full of a yellow-grey substance.

Quickly, I stuffed it into my coat pocket and pulled out my wallet. Taking out three hundred-dollar bills and handed it to him. A fair price for my four ounces of bliss. With one last glance of the dingey alley I spun on my heel and briskly walked out of the place.

* * *

><p>I guess you could say I was clean for a guy. My apartment could use a vacuuming but there were no dirty dishes in the sink or laundry strewn about. I hung up my coat on the rack and dung in the pockets for my stash. I threw it on the pretty glass coffee table and unsheathed Mugen. Idly, I swung it around slashing the air wanting to feel the way it felt slicing through skin. I hung up Mugen on its display shelf above the tv and untied my ponytail.<p>

"Yuu! Oh Daddy's missed you so much. Oh look at you. Simply stunning you must let me draw you sometime," an annoying voice sounded from the kitchen. Said voice belonged to the body of an ever present, ever annoying old man. This man ran over to hug me. He didn't get to as I held up a hand to stop him. I flipped my hair over my shoulder and fixed him with a death glare.

"You are not my father old man and if I ever hear you call me stunning again I will cut you," I stated softly. He stood stock-still, eyes wide looking at me.

"Kawaii! Awww Yuu I've missed you so much. You should come back to France with me. I know your brothers miss you," the man gushed succeeded in hugging me. I stiffened at the touch before ducking out of his embrace. I rubbed my temples as I continued to listen to Tiedoll go on about the countryside.

"Why are you here?" I asked looking at my fish scale on the table.

"Well, I wanted a change of scenery and I haven't seen you in months," Tiedoll explained sitting on the couch. I scoffed.

"Cut the bullshit I have plans tonight," I lied crossing my arms.

Tiedoll removed his glasses and picked up my small treasure. He inspected the bag carefully before looking up at me.

"I agreed to fund you to go to school here in New York. I never agreed to fund your drug habits. Four thousand dollars in a month, Yuu? That's ridiculous," he stated disgusted flinging the package on the table.

"What are you saying?" I mumbled scratching my arm.

"This has to stop. I did not raise a drug addict. I don't blame you, I blame the friends you keep. All that partying, drinking, sex and who knows what else your first year alone. Fame can only get you so far and you're wasting your best years here destroying your body," Tiedoll lamented. I shifted uncomfortably and bowed my head. "While I'm here I don't want you staying out late and you need to start eating better. Are you even training? And you will pose for me and whoever else I tell you to pose for. If you think I'm shelling out extra for you to squander it think again Kanda Yuu. You will earn money from now own. I've spoilt you beyond reason."

I raised my head and stared at the ceiling. If this man thought I was posing for artists he must've been higher than me. "I gave up posing when I left Paris," I reminded him coolly.

"And I'm telling you that you're picking it up again. This is not a negotiation. I'll be back in the morning. Be ready," he snapped getting to his feet. He pulled me into another hug and I stood still waiting for him to release me.

* * *

><p>When the door closed behind my caregiver I pulled out my phone and dialled a very familiar number.<p>

"Hello?" the voice questioned.

"Come over," I barked.

"The fuck I look like to you BaKanda? I don't take orders," the voice screeched.

"You take bribes though, Moyashi. I've got four hundred dollars worth of fish scale sitting on my coffee table. If I overdose the old man will hang me," I deadpanned chewing my thumb.

"It's Allen! Al – len. Goddamn, BaKanda why is he here?" Allen grilled. I purposely didn't answer him. After a few moments of silence he sighed and said he'd be here in fifteen minutes.

I kicked my shoes off and switched on the tv as I waited for the Moyashi to arrive. I snapped a selfie and captioned it 'Ready to forget you' and posted it on my Instagram. Dozens of people liked it begging for an explanation to my stone faced self-portrait and cryptic words.

There was a soft knock at my door. Slowly, I made my way over and let the moyashi in. Standing in the hall in a black and white sniped long-sleeved cardigan and black sweatpants clutching his laptop bag glaring at me, "You live with all the uptight white women in New York. One of their dogs almost bit me."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes allowing him to walk into my apartment. He made himself at home on my couch. He emptied haf the cocaine on the glass surface and took a credit card out and began scraping the powdery substance into 6 neat lines. I pulled out two hundred-dollar bills and rolled them up.

"Why is Tiedoll here?" Allen asked quietly taking a rolled up bill from my hand.

"He thinks I'm a drug addict," I stated annoyed at the absurdity of it all. Sure I did cocaine and smoked weed and drank but it wasn't a problem. My spending was as a result of the way he raised me. 'What good is money if you can't spend it on the best,' he'd always say.

"I wouldn't say you're an addict but you're a lot more than just a social user," He observed tilting his head forward and carefully snorted up the first line.

"Che," I pushed him to the side and snorted up two lines. I did not have a problem.

"So dramatic, BaKanda. He probably just doesn't want you to sit around all day and get lazy," Allen commented and I glared at him God he was so ridiculous sometimes. Allen flashed me a grin before straddling my lap and kissing me.

My eyes slid close and my hands roamed up his sides. He tasted like apples and sprite, like he always did. "Tell me why Tiedoll's here," he whispered in my ear before licking it. I gasped and gripped his waist.

"I already told you, Moyashi. He thinks I'm a drug addict."

That's a pretty random conclusion to come to. What aren't you telling me?" he questioned running his hand through my silky black hair.

"My spending. He wants me to start posing again," I supplied before kissing his neck. Allen pushed me away.

"Well if that's what's up then I'm down with it. Wouldn't mind having you pose for me now and then," he concluded smiling down at me.

I rolled my eyes, "So you fuck models now?"

"Only the hot ones," Allen commented before kissing me again.

Swiftly, I pulled his shirt off and pinned him beneath me as I reversed our positions. "It's been a while since I cut you, Moyashi," I growled in his ear.

"Then fix it," he mumbled. That was all the consent I needed to go get my sword off the wall and unsheathed it.

The blade whistled as I slashed the air before carefully pressing the tip on his side. Applying pressure until his blood beaded out and he was biting his lip to keep his scream at bay. I drove the blade in a little deeper and made a cut vertically stopping below his ribcage and he arched his back upwards. The blood curdling scream he let out was everything. I smirked as I watched as the blood seeped out the large wound and on to the cream leather sofa then the hardwood floor and Allen clutched his bleeding side. I proceeded to cut him again and again. Each time his scream pierced the quiet night my spirit soared higher but I never cut him too deep. I cleaned off Mugen and re-sheathed it. Satisfied with my handiwork, I took the bleeding kid to my room.

* * *

><p>Sunlight seeped though the blinds and warmed my eyelids. I draped an arm over my eyes and tried to drift back to sleep but the clonking around outside my bedroom door was disturbing. There was still a warm body pressed to my side so it wasn't the Moyashi. My door was flung open and a frantic Tiedoll stood in the door way. Seeing two boys laying atop blood-soaked sheets did nothing for his nerves. "What happened in here?" He asked quietly and coldly. I should've been complacent and explained what really happened to him but I wasn't in the mood.<p>

"Rough sex," I smirked and his eyes narrowed.

"Your living room looks like a fucking crime seen, Yuu," he seethed, "didn't I tell you I was coming over this morning? You aren't even ready," Tiedoll complained. I checked the time on Allen's iPhone. Th screen displayed 6:27.

"Are sill running on Paris time because it's half six," I stated coldly glaring up at him. Allen snored peacefully beside me, the white sheet clinging to some of his cuts which made me wince. It would be hell to clean later.

"Don't pull that attitude with me boy. Now get dressed and meet me in the living room. We need to get that place decent before Bak gets here," Tiedoll ordered before leaving my room.

I did what I was told to do and took a quick shower before dressing in a pair of grey sweat pants and a navy blue sweater. The scent of chlorine bleach hit my nose as I walked into the living room. Tiedoll was on his hands and knees scrubbing dried blood off the tiles.

"You're doing far too much," I commented taking a clean rag and pouring some water o it before gently wiping the sofa clean.

"What about the smell?" Tiedoll asked looking on as I finished up the couch.

"Febreeze works wonders," I scoffed pouring water and a bit of bleach on the floor. Quickly, I cleaned up all the blood and after spraying the air freshener the place looked normal, save for the rolled up bills and cocaine left on the table. I quickly stashed everything in my room.

Allen was sitting up in bed trying to pull the sheet off his wounds. "You're making a mess. Go back to sleep we'll deal with that later," I instructed easing him back on the pillows before kissing him. His eyes held dozens of questions I'd probably never answer.

Back in the living room, Tiedoll had already set up his easel and canvas. He pulled his oil paints out and pointed to the now spotless couch. "The shirt has to go, Yuu," he said and silently I removed the sweater and lay on the couch looking up at the ceiling. This will all be over soon.

* * *

><p>He's gorgeous, Tiedoll. Pictures just don't do him justice," Bak the fool gushed as he and Tiedoll observed the fresh painting of me.<p>

"He can paint as well," Tiedoll informed the stranger and Bak nodded. He clutched his camera and chew his thumb pensively.

"Bak is a very talented photographer," Tiedoll told me. I glared at them both before Bak was pulling and pushing me this way and that way all over my living room ever so often snapping a few shots.

"Beatuiful… simply stunning. Such sharp features yet so delicate," he mused tilting my chin toward the window and straightening my back. He lowered my head and raised my hands.

"I can take instructions quite well," I growled.

"Can you?" Tiedoll remarked and I shot him a cold stare. He needed to fucking chill.

"No doubt that you can but I rather put you in the poses myself," Bak replied with a grin on his face before snapping some pictures again. I sighed and wondered if Allen was still asleep.

* * *

><p>Bak left and I sat on the couch annoyed as ever. "Same time tomorrow Yuu. No surprises like today," Tiedoll informed me cutting a disapproving look at my bedroom door.<p>

"Che."

"Goodbye, son," Tiedoll said before leaving. I pushed myself off the couch and quietly entered my bedroom. Allen was awake laying on his side.

"Hi," he mumbled as I walked over to him.

"We're not doing this again in a hurry," I remarked assessing the damages before going into the bathroom.

I returned with a basin of hot water, a first aid kit and a towel. Carefully, I removed the sheet from his cuts and cleaned them up before bandaging him up. After which he dressed and left my room. "Why not shower here, Moyashi?" I questioned going to dispose of the bloodied things in my room.

"I need to get home. It's late and I have an assignment to finish," he explained tiptoeing up to kiss me.

"Whatever," I responded.

"I'll message you when I get home," Allen promised and I nodded and looked away. I picked up the bloodied sheets and towel ready to toss them.

* * *

><p>Today was not my day. Nor was any day really. I sighed as I sat on the couch staring at the blank tv. My hands shook violently and my eyesight drifted in and out. A whole week without my drugs. Tiedoll had really been on my ass about my health. I was drained not that I'd show him or any number of photographers and artists he brought that. I realised what Tiedoll said about my drug use and I did cut back but it was hard. I closed my eyes ready to keel over and die.<p>

"Perfect. Now lay down and sorta look up but at me but not at me. I want cool disinterest," an artist whose name I hadn't bothered to learn instructed and slowly I did what I was told. After the first week or so Tiedoll stopped coming to along to the shoots. He preferred to text me the name, location and time of my next booking which was just fine with me. I didn't want him around. Especially if I was naked. "Dangle those legs, Yuu," he said waving his hand and chewing his lip. He was a newbie, painting nude models was new to him.

"It's Kanda," I stated glaring at him as I 'dangled' my legs.

I was ignored and left to my thoughts. Like every other one of them. And so Tiedoll got his wish I suppose. I couldn't really look at any drug without it reminding me that they were the reason I was in this situation. I bit my lip and hardened my gaze. Thanks, dad. You. Broke. Me.

* * *

><p>AN: Edgy enough? I hope so. To those of you, whoever you are, that sit and read my stories thank you. It means the world to me that you guys care enough to read my stories. Please drop a review and tell me what you think of this story or leave a suggestion about what kind of content you want to see from me moving forward. Bye lovelies!


	2. Heartache

Hey guys! I'm back with a sequel if you please. It's just a little something to tide you guys over as I'm currently finishing up high school or secondary school whatever you want to call it.

* * *

><p>"Here's the man of the hour!" Bak cheered as I entered the dimly lit studio. No doubt about it Bak was talented. Many candid shots of myself hung on the walls of the studio, each telling their own story. I gritted my teeth as I casually surveyed the room.<p>

"Smile, Yuu," Tiedoll chided plastering on a smile of his own. I scoffed and frowned a little less as I walked further into the room. The whispers began to drive me crazy:

"So delicate,"

"I'd kill for eyes like his,"

"He's like a doll,"

"I could stare at him all day,"

I cut a sidelong glance at the petite blonde woman who made that particular comment and she blushed. "Do you want a picture with me? I'll put it on my Instagram," I offered as per Tiedoll's request – post as many pictures of you and the guests as possible on your Instagram. It'll be good for publicity. She enthusiastically agreed and pushed herself into my personal space. I bit the inside of my cheek as I fought the urge to push her away. I looked dead at my iPhone's camera and took the picture before taking a step back from her.

"You can tag me if you want and I nodded handing her the device for her to do it. I was so out of character tonight, it was crazy.

I hadn't done cocaine in two weeks and the withdrawal was eating me alive. I retrieved my phone from her and walked away. The silk shirt I wore was suddenly too constricting, my breath quickened as the music progressively got louder and the walls began to close in on me. "Kanda, come take some pictures with us," Bak said grabbing my arm. I snatched my hand back glaring at him about to ask her who the fuck he thought he was grabbing me like I was a piece of meat but Tiedoll was very close and I couldn't bear to hear him bitch tonight.

"Don't ever grab me again," I warned instead before making my way over to Tiedoll and two other photographers.

"Big smiles!" The photographer chirped and because this was my job; I smiled. I chatted with potential clients and well-wishers for the better part of an hour trying to distract myself from the need for a fix.

"How's next Tuesday? We could set up a shoot at a local park and -" I never heard the rest of his sentence. The bane of my existence – The Moyashi – had just entered the room. He grey eyes hooded as he took in the portraits that hung everywhere. His moss green pull over was slipping off one of his pale shoulders. He casually pushed it back in place and readjusted his ever-present messenger bag on his shoulder.

"Moyashi," I mumbled as I strode over to him, "What are you doing here?"

"Bak is my mentor, he invited me to his showcase," he replied sparing me a glance.

"You haven't responded to any of my messages in weeks, Moyashi," I noted casually following him back to the center of the room.

"Yea well I'm not at your beck and call, Kanda," he shot back whipping around to glare at me.

"Allen!" a cute African-American girl greeted as she came up to us. She proceeded to hug him and he planted a kiss on her cheek close to her mouth and she grinned.

"I was about to come look for you, Novia," he beamed wrapping his arm around her waist. Hair done up in poetic justice braids and wearing a short black skater shirt and a moss green long sleeved low-cut crop top and strappy black sandals I realized who she was. I looked at Allen for confirmation and his face fell. "Kanda this is my girlfriend Novia," he introduced us and my chest constricted painfully. She gave me a wide smile that showed off her straight white teeth and extended her hand I sucked in some air and took her hand.

I politely shook her hand, "I've heard so much about you Kanda."

"Oh really?" I asked sarcastically.

"Yea, of course I have. I know this must be weird but I know about you and Allen," she laughed awkwardly and winked at him.

"Funny, I have no idea who you are," I deadpanned glaring at Allen.

"I'd say if you checked my Instagram you'd know about her but honestly the only page you care about is your own," Allen stated.

"Allen I can't believe you didn't actually tell him about me!" Novia said playfully punching his arm.

"It's cool, nice meeting you Novia," I said tightlipped before spinning on my heel and leaving the party. I pooped the first few buttons of my shirt open as I stood on the curb wishing a taxi would pass.

"Is there ever a time that you could act like a damn adult, Yuu?" Tiedoll screeched barreling towards me. I raised an eyebrow and folded my arms.

"What?" I questioned when he reached me.

"This party is for you and Bak. You need to build a stronger clientele. More clients means more money. That $11000 loft you live in doesn't pay for itself young man," Tiedoll bitched.

"I'm not going back in there," I told him and he began cursing but he took his cell phone out of his pocket and called the driver.

"I should make you pay your own damn rent. You aren't even attempting to meet me halfway. Bak's protégé was in there. Did you see him? He's up and coming his work is so promising and he would've paid just as much as Bak for a session with you. Did you see him?" Tiedoll prattled.

"I used to fuck Bak's protégé," I stated just as the car rolled up. I slid in and Tiedoll, speechless after my little revelation plopped into the seat next to me.

"His girlfriend is that exotic model, Novia," he mumbled and I scoffed. "You didn't know about her did you? But how could you not? They've been together for two years now," Tiedoll questioned. The more he spoke the smaller and stupider I felt. I was the guy on the outside, the guy who he came to when Novia clearly wasn't available, the guy she probably handpicked to keep her boyfriend occupied when she couldn't. I bit the inside of my cheek and looked outside the window.

* * *

><p>"Great work, Kanda take five," the young painter instructed. I carefully climbed down the ladder and place the paint bucket and brush down. I grabbed my phone and water bottle and sat Indian style in a corner.<p>

_She pulls off both flawlessly. #Braids #CurlyHair #LoveMyMixedChick #CaribbeanGirl #TogetherForever #ShesMyOneAndOnly _

Read the caption of a picture uploaded two weeks ago by Allen of Novia. I gritted my teeth and as I scrolled down his Instagram looking at the pictures of the two of them.

_Jamaica! Jamaica! #OnTheRun #CaribbeanGetaway #ACoupleThatTravelsTogetherStaysTogether _

The happy couple was pictured running on a beach in Jamaica. Every post felt a painful twist of a knife in my chest. I was a masochist. In all the times he let me scar him, leading me to think he was mine I thought I was a sadist but this – this made me realize I loved torturing myself. Why else would I sit scrolling through over a thousand pictures on both of their Instagrams if I didn't?

I had learned a lot about Novia in the past 3 days spent stalking her twitter and Instagram:

She was Trinidadian but moved to New York when she was eight.

She was mixed – Afro-Trinidaian mother and a Caucasian and Indo-Trinidadian father.

She was a med student studying to be an oncologist

She loved animals and children

Her family was as rich as it was extensive

She grew up in the lap of luxury being the youngest of four – 2 older brothers and an older sister.

She clearly never heard the word 'NO' in her life

She was the perfect girlfriend – that was obvious

I sipped on my water as I exited my Instagram. I needed to move on and put this behind me. The Moyashi tried explaining all of this to me two nights ago but it did nothing but make me feel less than. He said she was the one and he always knew that. He said he didn't think I would care. He said he never meant for me to get attached and that I just needed to move on. He said we should remain friends. BULLSHIT. I didn't want to see him or party with him or anything. I wasted the last ten months of my life with him. I was not about to continue doing that. My phone vibrated signaling a text from him. I flicked the message away and rose from my seat. I took my bag into the bathroom and locked the door. I may be off cocaine but Tiedoll was a fool if he thought that was the only way I got high. Allen and Novia's pictures drove me to the point of desperation. I found the half empty Advil bottle at the bottom of the bag. I shook six of the tiny reddish pills into my hand before shoving them in my mouth. I drank water straight from the tap and sat on the toilet seat with my head between my legs.

Her smile. Her body. Her personality. Everything about her that screamed 'Look at me! My life's everything yours isn't!' made my body itch. The way he looked at her. The way he smiled at her. I never stood a chance. I never had a chance. It was clearly Novia and it would've always been her. Had I shown emotion when this had all started would it have ended differently, with me in her place? Would I have liked that? If I knew about her from the start, would I have stuck around? Doubtful. The sound of blood rushing to my head was good at blocking out these negative thoughts. I pushed my hair behind my ears and focused on breathing. I felt my heart rate slow and began to get lightheaded. Slowly, I raised my head and blinked a few times.

"Fuck both of them," I muttered to the boy sitting on the toilet seat, black hair spilling around his bare shoulders like ink on parchment with the soulless dark blue eyes who stared at me from the mirror.

Pill bottle in hand and affirmations of how great I was to my reflection I was no longer sad about Allen's relationship at least not on this high. Someone knocked on the bathroom door. "Kanda? Are you ok in there?" the painter asked cautiously.

"Yea," I replied opening the door. I flipped my hair over my shoulder and schooled my expression into my usual one of indifference before heading back to the session area.. Money was the motive for most people but for me? It was the hate for the stupid Moyashi and his girlfriend that was slowly burning my insides that motivated me. It seemed like everyone I let get close to me was hell bent on breaking me. I wonder who'd be taking a whack next.


	3. Never Should've Fallen

CAPE is over and I'm home awaiting results so uploads should come much faster now.

* * *

><p><em>Meet up with Edgar at his apartment in Brooklyn Tuesday at 3pm. It's a collab so find a best behaviour and be on it – <em>

I scoffed at the formal text message Tiedoll sent me before setting my phone down on the bed next to me. Just because, I would purposely show up late tomorrow for the photoshoot. I propped myself up with a pillow and inspected the ends of my hair. My phone buzzed signalling a text. I spared the device a glance and saw it was from Lenalee. I resumed my inspection but my phone buzzed a few more times so I gave up and checked it. Tiedoll had done away with the formalities and decided to be annoying. My school had emailed my grades to him. He was 'pleased to see my work was still top notch' and suggested dinner. I didn't have any other plans nor did I want to aggrivate the man so I accepted his offer. Lenalee was checking up on me and Allen was asking to talk.

Rolling my eyes, I left the message on seen and went to the kitchen. Looking at the almost bare fridge I made up my mind to make a trip to the grocery soon. Armed with a container of plain greek yogurt and a spoon I sat on a bar stool casually flicking through the music on the flash drive I had inserted into the tv earlier.

_The blinds wide open so he can see you in the dark when you're sleepin'_

_Naked body, fresh out the shower_

_You touch yourself after hours. Ain't no man allowed in your bedroom_

_You're sleeping alone in bed_

_But check your window, He's at your window_

For some odd reason I found myself listening to Tyler the Creator's 'She'. I calmly ate my yogurt allowing my mind to drift but it was short lived as there was a knock at my door. "If it's one of those annoying, uptight women I swear I'll murder all their stupid dogs," I mumbled to myself hopping off the stool and walking to the door.

"Hi," the moyashi greeted waving awkwardly staring up at me. I gripped the edge of the door tighter and my nostrils flared. My heart pounded in my chest and my eyes watered. The nerve of this damn kid, showing up here after all that he said. All that he did and didn't do.

"What do you want?" I snapped ready to slam the door in his face.

"For us to have a mature conversation as adults," he replied cooly, cocking his head to the side and giving me a coy smile and I swear my heart almost stopped.

"I don't see the need," I retorted about the slam the door in his face but he stopped it with his foot.

"For once would you stop acting so damned spoilt and listen to me?" he spat stepping into my apartment. He kicked his shoes off and padded into the living room as if he owned the place. I didn't let him see how shocked I was by his boldness; instead I schooled my expression and sat on the couch beside him.

"I swear I had no idea you caught feelings. I mean this- this arrangement of ours was a bit more than the usual friends with benefits but the way you acted Kanda… I never thought I had to tell you about Novia. You didn't seem interested in me that way so I didn't see the need," Allen reiterated everything he had texted me about two weeks ago.

"You basically treated me like some cheap whore. What you thought I was that heartless I'd fuck you for damn near ten months and not care?" I questioned folding my arms. I was not about to show him any emotion.

"It's you BaKanda, you don't give a shit about anybody," he stated looking at me.

"Should've told me you had an intended. Allowed me the option to choose if I wanted to do this," I deadpanned staring into his grey eyes.

He hung his head and rubbed his neck, "I guess I should've said something to you. For that I am sorry but -"

"If your next line is 'you should move on' save it. We had this conversation weeks ago. Why are you here?" I cut him off flipping my hair over my shoulder. I had decided then and there to go get my hair trimmed.

"I think we should remain friends. I do care for you and I would love to stay apart of your life," he blurted out, his grey eyes wide and pleading with me to say yes.

"Fine, Moyashi. We could be friends but if you think friends means an invitation to events and awkward conversations when we run into each other somewhere then no we can't. I keep my circle small," I informed him as I rose from my seat. I went back to my yogurt I had left on the counter.

"No no no I don't want that either. Let's go back to being the way we were before all this," he responded gesticulating wilding as he got up from his seat as well.

"Is that all?" I asked already tired of the whole exchange.

"Yep, pretty much but we should meet up soon and party," Allen said shouldering his messenger bag. I watched as he put on his shoes and left my apartment.

When the door closed, I felt the emptiness. The pain of not having him was physical. My chest constricted and the walls of the apartment started closing in on me. The music coming from the speakers was suddenly deafening and my hands shook with such ferocity that any hope I had of turning it down were dashed. I drew in several ragged breaths as my vision swam before the tears fell. The scream was ripped from my throat mere seconds after I began crying sounded so agonisingly desperate. I couldn't control the sobs that racked my body as I gripped the edge of the counter, doubled over wiping the tears that kept coming as I continued to scream.

Since I was I child, never had I cried like this. The action was foreign to me like the boy that had occupied my living room minutes before. Spent, I sank to the floor dry heaving. "Why? Why? What did I ever do to deserve this? What does she has that I don't? Besides the obvious that is!" I screeched pounding my fists on the floor. "This isn't fair!" I cried wiping my face repeatedly with the maroon t shirt I wore. I lay on the kitchen floor and let myself cry as I watched the sky turn from blue to various shades red and orange and yellow then to navy blue when night finally fell from the large windows that lined the majority of the far wall of the apartment.

Exhausted, I dragged my worn out body to my bedroom. I grabbed the lighter and pre rolled spliff from the drawer of my bedside table and lit it. I took several long drags blowing the smoke upwards towards the ceiling. The windows were open letting in the crisp night air that left goosebumps on my exposed arms. I watched the weed burn for a bit before putting it out. I stripped and stepped into the bathroom. Today was a hot ass mess all I wanted to do was forget it and so I proceeded to take a long shower; desperate to scrub the last few hours off.

* * *

><p><em>3:15<em> my watch said as I jumped out the taxi and stared up at the apartment building. I hoped my patner as well as Edgar were waiting on me. Disinterested in whole affair; I rode the elevator up to his apartment. I knocked and the door was answered by Edgar the painter. A smile spread across his face and he began gshing about my apparence. I had chosen to dress comfortably opting for black joggers, black TOMS and a black sweater with a gun printed on it. Only it was the outline of a gun, it was actually filled in with purple roses.

He invited me in and my heart almost leaped out my chest when I saw my partner. It was Novia. She smiled brightly before shaking my hand. What was it with these people and touching. "Hey, it's been awhile. How are you?" she questioned looking genuinely interested in my answer.

"Fine," I said tight lipped. She took the hint that I wasn't up for conversation. She sat on a stool uncomfortably in the outfit for the shoot. It was a black, fitted, cut out crop top and a tight, black pencil skirt that went just under her knees. Her hair was still braided and was up in a bun that looked very heavy. The make up artist went crazy on her face with dark lids, bold winged eyeliner and a bright red lip. All to make her look sultry but sitting on the stool with her legs unable to touch the floor as she spoke quietly into her phone, she looked like a child.

I dressed quickly in the tight black jeans, black Jordans and a fitted black blazer with a crisp white shirt on the inside. I fixed my ponytail and went back into the main room. Novia smiled at me again, "You look incredible."

"So do you," I replied because she did and I was not bitter.

"Hey, I know Al said you two patched things up and are friends still but I told him not to pick me up; I don't want you to feel uncomfortable," she whispered.

"You didn't have to do that," I murmured.

"Maybe not, but I also wish to be your friend as well. I think you're really cool," she revealed with a grin.

I didn't have time to respond as the photographer was ready to begin. Novia was a straight up professional when it came to her work. She barely spoke, took instructions well and the smiles she faked could've fooled anyone. When we were finished with the entire shoot; having modelled four different outfits in countless poses we were done. I redressed in the clothes I came in and Novia wore a simple oversized loose white crop top and denim shorts paired with combat boots.

She struggled to take her bun down so I helped her with it.

"Thanks, I bet you know a lot about hair right? Yours is just gorg," she thanked me when we were done.

"Yea I know a thing or two," I replied.

"You must teach me your secrets! I've been stuck at mid back for about a year," she lamented as we walked out the appartment together.

"It's pretty low maintenaince. I moisturise daily, seal with jojoba or coconut oil, wash often and trim regularly. In fact I have to get a trim soon," I told her as we made our way out the building. It surprised me how easily and how much I was able to converse with her but hair was my favourite topic so the words flowed without hesitation.

"Oh take me with you! I need to get my hair cut as well. When are you going? Let me know so I could take these out," she gushed. Man she talked a mile a minute, with her there was no such thing as an awkward silence.

"Sure" I agreed and she gave me her phone number, "Hey are you sure you don't need Allen to pick you up?"

"I may be an island girl but I've lived here long enough to not get lost. Besides one of my friends is picking me up," she assured me. I nodded my head as she waved before walked down the street. I shook my head ready to be home. Ready for a fix. I couldn't deal with people like her and Allen or my father or anyone anymore. If I had to I sure as hell wasn't planning on doing it sober.

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><p>AN:this story has six parts, hopefully I am able to complete all of them and upload them by the end of this month. Thanks to all of you lovelies that have stuck with me through all of this, muah - Shaunee


	4. Down and Heavy

Hey everyone, this chapter's going up on Friday so in honour of Flashback Friday, here's a little flash back. Hope you enjoy!

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><p>"<em>Kanda, please come outside to the main party. My best friend just came and I'd love for you to meet him," Lenalee pleaded clasping her hands in front her chest. <em>

"_Why would I want to meet another one of your friends?" I questioned folding my arms and leaning back in the chair I was occupying. _

"_Quit being so antisocial, it's my birthday and I want you to come outside and party with me, not hide in my room because there's more than five people in one room," she huffed glaring at me. I rolled my eyes as reluctantly followed her into the living room of her apartment She led the way to a child with a halo of white hair, a face tattoo and a full sleeve on his left arm which was on display as he was wearing a grey muscle tee. I wasn't judgemental against those with tattoos as I had a very elaborate one on my chest but where did she find these characters? "Allen, this is Kanda he's studying medicine too. Kanda, Allen is my best friend and an art student," Lenalee introduced us, Allen smiled wide and extended his arm toward me which I briefly shook. _

"_Wouldn't have guessed you were in school, sorta pegged you as a model or something," Allen complimented me with an awkward laugh. Lenalee giggled before excusing herself. __I don't model,"__ I spat ready to follow Lenalee and cuss her out for leaving me with this imbecile._

"_Kanda Yuu? Please don't give me that 'I don't model' bullshit. I'm an artist and a photographer, for years you were a prominent model in Paris so you can't deny it," Allen revealed grabbing my wrist._

"_Wah wah, Moyashi. Get your hand off me or lose it," I growled looking down my nose at the kid and flashing the hilt of my katana that lay snug against my hip, "I'm not denying my past. I don't model anymore." _

_ He hung his head and stepped back from me releasing my hand. I glared at him before planting myself on the couch and carefully resting my katana one the floor. I barely knew the people at the party, Lenalee was right I wasn't much of a partier but I did like to have fun. Not that I'd show it. _

"_Yuu! Look what I got!" Lavi, my best friend, yelled jumping up and down excitedly in front of me. _

"_I don't even know who you're talking to. My name is Kanda, call me that again and I will skin you," I growled at him. He smirked and sat very close to me, "All this couch and you're practically stuck to me like glue, Baka Usagi" I shoved him before scooting away from him. _

"_You got cash?" he asked ignoring my need for personal space. I rolled my eyes before fishing my wallet out of my back pocket and handed it over. _

_ 'Do drugs, might as well condemn yourself to a life of abject misery,' I heard my father's cheery voice in my head as I took the rolled hundred dollar bill from Lavi's fingers along with my wallet. He had used one of my credit cards to scrape the cocaine into 9 equal lines on Lenalee's coffee table. I shook my head and tucked some loose strands of hair behind my hair and quickly snorted the line nearest me. Rubbing my nose I leaned back in hopes of helping the drug reach my brain faster. I'd only been on cocaine for a few weeks now and it was well worth it. The high was unbelievable. Whoever sold the usagi his drugs was a god. The powdery white substance was finely refined yet pure. In a matter of minutes I began to feel numb and light headed – side effects of the drug- as my worries and cares flew out the window. _

_ "Who would've guessed the golden child did drugs like a commoner," the sickeningly sweet voice of the moyashi said very close to me. Allen, I assumed sat beside me and snorted a line of his own. _

"_You talk to fucking much, Moyashi," I noted concentrating on the ceiling that was rapidly changing colours. His response was lost as I began to laugh controllably. Barely registering the shock on many faces in the room and Lavi's cheshire grin, I laughed even more, clutching my side. _

"_Uncomfortable yet?" I questioned Allen suddenly serious. His eyes widened before he smiled serenely and shook his head. I rolled my eyes at him and snorted up another line of the miracle substance. While I waited for the second wave of euphoria I snapped a cheeky selfie — winking with my lips twisted in a half smile — filtered it and uploaded it to my Instagram with the caption "I get down and heavy all the time"_

_ "Ever did morphine?"the moyashi questioned smoking a joint. "Yea, I snort it sometimes," I replied tapping my feet to the catchy beat of some Major Lazer song. The coffee table with the cocaine was pushed to a side and the space was used as a makeshift dance floor Lenalee and Lavi were grinding hard on each other as was every other couple on the dance floor. "Do you dance?"Allen questioned looking my way. _

"_When I'm in the mood," I replied taking the joint from between his lips and taking a long drag. I blew the smoke in his face and looked at him from under my lashes, "I rather guys dance on me to be blunt." _

"_Is that so?" he murmured leaning in closer to me and I nodded. "Pretty boy," his breath ghosted over my face._

_I smirked, "You want this pretty boy."_

"_Damn right I do," he growled pulled my face closer until his lips captured mine. My breath hitched and my eyes widened before they closed and I kissed him back enthusiastically. I hadn't enjoyed a kiss this much in months. _

_ "Wooooo! Get it, Yuu! You go fire maiden!" Lavi hollered scaring me half to death. I pulled away, cheeks flaming as I fixed a death glare his way. He was almost doubled over with his hands cupped around his mouth as he continued to cheer. Lenalee clapped beside him and I realised what it was: a set up. A guy couldn't go through a dry spell with friends like them. Thanks to my drugged out state all I could muster was flipping them off before grabbing the back of the moyashi's head and kissing him again. _

"_Don't break him, he's like a child!" Lavi chided receiving another middle finger. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_ Sunlight beat down on my heavy eyelids and I tried to roll over but I was pinned down by something heavy and long. I groggily opened my eyes to the sight of a blackened arm, which upon closer inspection was heavily tattooed with tiny patches of milky skin in between Body aching from the compromising position I was no doubt in, I removed the aforementioned limb and clumsily got up from the couch careful to not step on one of the many sleeping bodies on the floor. No doubt about it, Lavi would fill me in on last night's events that I couldn't remember. My official issue sweatshirt was on the back of the couch. I quickly pulled it on and gathered my hair into a pony tail but I realised I didn't have an elastic and cursed under my breath. I sourced one from the bathroom and put my hair in a low ponytail. Back in the main room I picked up my katana and iPhone before lacing up my combat boots and exiting the full but quiet apartment Exhausted, I sped down the streets as New York woke up, only stopping when I pulled into my designated parking spot at my apartment building. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_ "You danced on the coffee table, made out with that cutie – Allen was it? Then gave him a lap dance before you two and everybody else really passed out. Real classy of you to leave in the dead of the morning instead of sticking around to help us clean up," Lavi recounted over sushi at a local sushi bar close to both our apartments. "Unlike you I shared a tiny ass couch with someone, " I replied blowing on my green tea. _

_Lavi grimaced at my choice of beverage, "He asked for your number so we gave it to him.__"_

"_Baka!" I sighed, "__Naze anata wa orokana nanika o surudarou ka?" I chastised him reverting to Japanese. _

"_Kare wa k__ū__runa otokoda, kare ni chansu o ataemasu," he answered unfazed by the sudden language change. I gazed at him unsure of what to say. The moyashi — from what I remember — was cool albeit annoying at times. _

"_We'll see," I murmured as my phone vibrated. _

"_It's probably him," Lavi grinned slyly. I rolled my eyes and checked my phone, it was a text message from an unknown number saying it was indeed the moyashi. I turned my phone over and focused on my vegetable tempura. _

"_Not a word," I threatened as I saw Lavi reach for his own phone, no doubt ready to dish the dirt to Lenalee. His hand faltered and he pouted before aggressively stabbing one of his California rolls. _

"_You will reply to him right?" he questioned genuinely concerned._

_I grunted as a form of reply while eating my soba noodles. "I like you much better high," he noted sourly. I flipped him off without even sparing him a glance. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Was it possible to chew your lip off? If so, I was in danger of doing so as I stared at the guy occupying my bed next to me. I refolded my arms and the guy turned flinging his arm across my lap. My eye twitch, tempting me to chop the offending limb off. I sighed and continued to stare at him as his chest rose and fell rhythmically. The white hair ruffled slightly with every breath he exhaled. What have I gotten into with the moyashi?_

* * *

><p>"….. Kanda? Kanda do you like it?" Novia asked breaking me out of my reverie. I looked her way and gave a slight nod. I had finished trimming my hair about an hour ago but Novia's voluminous black hair took a lot of time, product and skill to tame. Her hair hung straight down her back stopping just above where I assumed her bra strap to be.<p>

"Straight hair suits you," I complimented as we gathered our things and made our way to the receptionist.

"Thanks, that guy was a magician," she gushed. As I reached for my wallet to pay for my haircut she waved me away, "My treat."

I shrugged my shoulders, who was I to turn down a free haircut.

"Today was really fun. We've got to meet up again soon," she smiled before pulling me into a hug, "thanks for today, Kanda. I really appreciate it."

"It was nothing. Just take care of your hair," I replied awkwardly patting her back. Realising my growing discomfort of being so close to another human being she released me. Grateful, I nodded her way before reaching into my bag and produced an unmarked prescription bottle. I shook two pills into my hand before swallowing them with a gulp of water.

"Are you ok?" she asked looking at me quizzically.

"I will be," I muttered before turning on my heel and walking towards my parked car, "see you around, Novia." I threw a peace sign up as I entered the hot box that was my car. I looked at the pretty, doll like girl as she no doubt texted Allen before stopping a taxi. One day I'd be half as happy as her, I vowed pulling off.

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><p>AN: I swear things will start to look up for Kanda soon. See you guys i the next chapter, muah - Shaunee

_Naze anata wa orokana nanika o surudarou ka? Translation: Why would you do something that stupid? _

_Kare wa k__ū__runa otokoda, kare ni chansu o ataemasu. Translation: he's a cool guy, give him a chance. _


	5. What Now?

Any and all of my excuses for this lateness are pointless but I've been busy and also did anybody here tune into the insanity that was the whole Meek Mill/Drake/Safaree beef or was it just me and black twitter?

**XXXXXXXXXX**

Doing medicine and studying to become a neurosurgeon was partly Tiedoll's idea but it was my dream since I was a young child. Both my real parents were doctors before the fatal plane crash that killed them when I was two years old; as my godfather, Tiedoll stepped in to raise me since none of my relatives could've. My adoptive siblings did well in their respective careers (music producer and environmental lawyer) so the need to do well was great.

I sat quietly in the school library doing research for the biology lab I had in two days.

"The school's Blogspot isn't that helpful when doing labs or presentations," a deep voice said behind me.

"Did I ask?" I bristled but my hands stilled just above the trackpad but I refused to look at the stranger.

"No but my friend used to do med as well and she got top grades. I was just gonna pass some of her wisdom on to you," the man retorted filling the seat next to me. Everybody else in the damn library had the good sense to avoid me; everybody but this fool. Maybe he did have a point, I was rooting around on Blogspot for the past hour looking for answers and getting nowhere.

If the program wasn't so hard to get into I would've told him to fuck off but I was barely getting by as it was. I twisted my lips in annoyance but I dutifully opened a new tab and closed the old one. He gave me some websites that I should check out and I did so.

"Thank you," I mumbled jotting down the answers to my questions.

"No problem, I'm Dani by the way," he replied.

"Kanda," I offered, finally looking up and I swear my heart skipped a beat, Dani was the kind of gorgeous you read about in books with his hooded hazel eyes and full lips that were in a small smile. His black hair flopped into his line of vision so he pushed it out of the way but it went right back.

"You're a model right?" he questioned cocking his head to the side his pretty eyes lazily drank in my appearance.

"So?" I snapped pinning him with a glare.

A slow and deliberate smile spread across his face, "How does a coffee date sound to you, Kanda?"

"Like something I would show up to," I sneered turning back to my work.

"Is that so?" he purred close to my ear. Dani slipped his hand onto my thigh and I jerked away from him.

Anger rolled off me in waves, "Get your hand off me."

"Chill out, can't a guy get a date around here? I'm not a rapist you know," he asked drumming his finger on my thigh.

I crushed the offending appendages in my hand, "You'll be a dead man if you don't stop touching me."

He yelped and struggled to free his hand. I watched him for a minute before finally releasing him. Dani cradled his hand but still had a hopeful look in his eyes.

"Is that a yes?" he asked twisting his mouth into a half smile.

"It's a no," I growled closing my laptop and stood. He rested his hand over mine.

"No please don't go. I'm sorry. I truly am. It's just that I saw you around Allen a lot – the engineering building is really close to the arts – and suddenly you weren't around much anymore, his girlfriend, Novia was – see she did a year abroad in England – so I figured whatever you two were in wasn't anymore and I kinda sorta really like you. I think you're beautiful," he explained looking up at me with hopeful eyes. God did everybody know about this girl but me?

"I don't care," I snatched my hand out of his, gathered my things and left the library.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"Oh, Kanda! Your back early," Lenalee smiled up at me from my bed.

"What are you doing here?" I questions dropping my bag on my desk and pulling my hair out of its tight ponytail.

"I came to ask you to escort me to a party tonight," she beamed rolling onto her belly.

"No," I pulled my shirt off and stretched before going to my closet.

"Why are you gay? You've got such a good body all the girls want you. Did you know that?" she babbled.

"Yes," I pulled on a light green knit sweater. I got my laptop from my bag and sat next to her on the bed.

"Kanda, please come with my tonight I really want to hang with you," Lenalee pleaded.

"Why don't you go with Lavi?" I asked a bit irritated with her.

"It's a school event. He's on the committee. He'll be busy the entire night and he has to go early," she explained grabbing my hand.

"Let me go, Lena," I grunted but made no move to remove her hand myself. Slowly and with confused eyes she released my hand, "Kanda, I've been silent this entire time you've been going through all this but it's been a month and I miss you. I want the old Kanda back, the one who knows how to have fun. I know he's in there somewhere."

"If I go the stupid party with you will you get off my case?" I asked folding my arms and looking up at the ceiling. I could hide from everyone including myself except her. She knew when something was amiss even when I tried to deny it. Allen and I barely talked but I still yearned for what never was.

"Yes," she smiled hugging me around the middle.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The left side of the main field was filled with tents all advertising various stalls such as food, drinks, glo sticks etc. A large stage was erected perpendicular to them where a DJ was playing, alongside him were three dancers doing aerial acrobats. There wasn't much room for anything else; every open space was crowded with people dancing to the music.

"I think Trap is my thing," Lenalee said in my ear. She was dressed in a pair of black shorts and a cream lace crop top and a pink and yellow flower crown sat atop her black and green pixie cut. She bounced around to the music pulsating around us and I looked around some more. This was the type of party I either avoided all together or got high at. They were far too crowded and loud and started around 10 pm lasting about six hours or more.

Lenalee was a bona fide party girl. She researched the every artiste performing before attending each event and she dressed herself in the most basic outfits in her closet. Without fail she and I were in the middle of the crowd very close to the stage. We were both Snapchatting the performance when I saw Novia – above the crowd. I spun around so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. She was a little bit closer to the stage and to my left. Allen's white hair was peaking out from between her thighs. Allen may be small but he was strong not that Novia was heavy. I bet she barely weighed 100 pounds. She fist pumped from her seat atop Allen's shoulders enjoying the performance.

"Kanda. Hey you ok?" Lenalee asked breaking me out of my stupor. I nodded and tried to tune back into the music and lose myself in the crowd but my eyes always wondered back to the blissful couple.

Around 3 am Lenalee got tired of the crowd and dragged me backstage and I let her. I had already done some cocaine and had enough alcohol in my system to last a lifetime. She deposited me onto a couch and told me not to get in trouble and I flipped her off. She in turn stuck her tongue out at me before running off to find her boyfriend. "Kanda?" I heard shortly after. I looked up and Dani stood there in a pair of khaki shorts and a black tank top that read 'Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat.' in electric blue. I felt myself smile as I patted the seat next to me. He shook his head and continued to stand. "What are you doing here?"

"It's a party; I'm partying," I offered looking up at the ceiling of the crew trailer.

"The party is outside," he deadpanned.

"For somebody who clearly fucking stalks me you don't do a good job. My best friend is on the fucking committee, matter of fact he's the goddamn head and his girlfriend is like my sister. If they're backstage then I'm gonna be backstage too," I slurred attempting to kill him with one of my cold stares but being intoxicated made it all very hard.

"I don't stalk you. I didn't even know you and Bookman were close," he confessed scratching the back of his head.

"We go waayyy back," I mumbled but then just then the DJ played 'Where Are You Now' and I began snapping my fingers and clapping to the beat. I was a huge Jack U and Major Lazer fan.

"Never pegged you as a raver," he smirked and amidst my chair dancing I flipped him off, "Should put your wild ass on stage."

"Don't tempt me," I replied with a slight smile.

"Let's ditch your friends and go back outside. Let's turn up together," he suggested offering his hand. I looked at it for a few seconds before getting to my feet without his help.

Back outside we ran into Novia and Allen who were on their way backstage. Probably to meet the DJ who just finished his set. The beautiful thing about alcohol – It made me not give one single fuck about them. My feelings for Allen did not exist in my happy place. Dani slipped his hand round my waist and I didn't move it. Nova hugged me before they continued on. Allen looked back once they got to the entrance and I knew he was confused. No doubt he'd message me later for clarity.

"So Trap or EDM?" Dani questioned as we edged closer to the main crowd.

"EDM I guess," I chose bouncing in place to a remix of Rihanna's Bitch Better Have My Money (BBHMM). Our conversation pretty much ended there as we moved further into the crowd and danced the rest of the party away.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"Who are you even texting?" Lavi questioned leaning over the table attempting to sneak a peek at the screen.

"Dani," I replied setting my phone facedown on the table.

"Ohhh? You guys have been texting for about what - three weeks now? Is it safe to say that you two are together?" he asked with a sly smile. I looked away willing my expression to remain neutral.

"I don't know," I answered.

"Did you guys even fuck?" Lavi questioned and I watched him like he was crazy, "Wait, you didn't fuck him yet? Oh man Yuu, you're in too deep. Fuck and forget, Dani's a real G but I dunno if he's ready for all of you. Please don't get invested yet."

I contemplated Lavi's words and chewed my lip.

"I won't," I promised but my phone vibrated and I grabbed it. Lavi shook his head in disdain as I read the text:

_Dani: "What are we doing tonight?"_

_Me: "Nothing"_

_Dani: "Just like that?"_

_Me: "Just like that"_

_Dani: "Yo message me when you get your attitude in check"_

_Me: "Ok, never then? Fine by me"_

I flung my phone on the couch and huffed. What just happened? I didn't expect the conversation to go so left.

"Invested," Lavi tutted picking up our empty glasses and going to the kitchen. I wasn't invested I was just frustrated with the sheer stupidity of the conversation I just had.

"I gonna go now," I shouted as I slung my bag over my shoulder and put on my shoes.

"I'll call in about two hours to make sure you aren't hanging from a beam," he in lieu of good bye. I flipped him off before exiting his apartment. The car ride home was filled unanswered questions and way too much Childish Gambino (I love Gambino though #NoShade).

"Watch your goddamn step," Dani's voice berated from in front of me. I pulled my earbuds out and raised my head. He stood there leaning against my door. Keys in one hand and earbuds in the other I stood in shock watching him. Any minute now he'll evaporate into thin air. My mind was playing games with me. He wasn't really there. I sighed and walked forward. He was real, his cologne rolled off him and his eyes had bags under them.

"Why are you here?" I asked ready to side step him and get into my apartment.

"I lose too much damn sleep as it is, I don't need to be up wondering what the fuck you meant in our last conversation," he said grabbing my waist.

"Look I don't know what you want from this but I'm in no mood to just randomly fuck anybody right now," I snapped glaring up at him.

"Do I look like that little fucker you used to fuck when his girlfriend wasn't around? Check me, Kanda. What you see is what you get; no baggage," he sneered.

"I don't have the energy to do this," I growled trying to pull away from him.

"To do what? Be with me?" he asked stepping closer to me.

"We are not together," I retorted.

"For fuck's sake I know that but we could try. What are you afraid of?" he queried frustrated.

"Investing my time," I replied looking at the floor. I couldn't do this again. Allen thought me that I needed to keep people arm's length away to avoid getting hurt, played and above all betrayed. Speaking of whom we did have a conversation about Dani and he's 'happy I found someone' and I'm obviously fine with Novia, she blows up my phone daily as if she's my new bff. Maybe Dani was the right choice. Damn Lavi's opinion he and Lenalee got together back when a kiss goodnight was all you needed. What would he know about something like this?

The keys clattered to the floor and my eyes closed in contentment when he tightened his grip pulling my even closer and kissing me. "You can fucking trust me, okay?" he growled against my lips.

"Okay," I sighed kissing him again.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

A/N: I lost my phone/lifeline/memory holder today when I went to get craft supplies. Lesson learnt: Don't go out in the rain. This story is now done. I hope we're all happy with how it ended. Kanda seems content; Lavi and Lenalee are going strong and well Allen and Novia? They're a forever couple if you ask me. Leave a review… This college girl is off to start two new fun projects I can't wait to share with you guys. Bye for now, Shaunee.


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